500 days of summer
No I’m not referring to the movie but to how long I will have
had summer by the time next fall (specifically October) rolls around. Summers
(especially summers in Texas) aren’t my favorite season, but having this
extended summer makes me all the more grateful for late fall, winter and early
spring. In my spiritual life ironically a lot of my time has not felt like
summer but yet a dry winter.
I used to think I could be a missionary for life. Now I know
better, I’m way too much of a family person – thanks Mom. 😉 I could move away
from family and friends for missions (maybe Mexico) but not without better
communication than is allowed in Africa. When I think about it though, my team
here has become my family. We had our difficulties at first but we been broken
and put back together as one. Last week at debrief we were explaining to our
leaders where our hearts are. Or at
least trying to. It came out a jumble of words and emotions. “We are
spiritually and physically exhausted but trying to push on. We are dry and
sometimes don’t know how be filled up.” Personally I have felt like I have
cycled back to this spot for years on end now. One of our leaders, Jimmy, said
that “it sounds to me like you all are broken.” Broken for everything we are
seeing around us. For the spiritual oppression over this place. Broken because
we continue to pour ourselves out while not always taking the time to be filled
up by God. The only way to deal with being broken is to have complete
dependence on God. I have heard this time and time again from all sorts of
mentors and pastors in my life but I don’t think I’ve ever been ready to be
completely dependent on God, asking him to lead my every step, every day.
I wrote a month ago that I didn’t know where my heart is. It’s
not at home, it’s not here. I still don’t think I know. I think God is longing
for it to be with Him, longing for me to finally have that eternal perspective.
Slowly I am learning what this means. Surrender each day to him. Ask Him to
lead me because without Him I am dry and empty.
This sounds like I’m not in a good place, but be encouraged dear
loved ones; I’m right where God wants me. I’m on the brink of learning how to
live a more complete life in Him.
Um…great movie btw…
I’m so proud of you Katie!!! This is definitely a hard process to go through, brokenness is an amazing realization of who God is and who he’s called you to be. Jimmy’s comment is so right on! Keep seeking God and depending on him and you will always have your heart in the right place!!! I love you bunches and miss you tonz!!!
Wow Katie, this is really powerful. I feel like God is leading me into a place where I can more fully experience his love in new ways. It’s exciting, but scary. So, I understand your dry feeling, at least to an extent.
Love you and miss you!!!!
Sarah
John Eldridge says in “Wild at Heart”: “Don’t spend your time trying to figure out what the world needs, find out what makes you come alive because what the world needs is people who are alive.”
It’s a great sentiment, but I often ask myself: what if I don’t know what makes me come alive?
I think it’s about finding “life” in each moment, each location, each smile, each environment, and each season. If God is who He says He is (and He is) than life shouldn’t be contingent on anything. It’s always freely available.
I’m glad you’re finding brokenness. I pray you find life in the midst of it.